1000 Years of Annoying the French

Was the guillotine a French invention? Non! It was invented in Yorkshire. Ten centuries' worth of French historical 'facts' bite the dust as Stephen Clarke looks at what has really been going on since 1066 .

1000 Years of Annoying the French

Was the Battle of Hastings a French victory? Non! William the Conqueror was Norman and hated the French. Were the Brits really responsible for the death of Joan of Arc? Non! The French sentenced her to death for wearing trousers. Was the guillotine a French invention? Non! It was invented in Yorkshire. Ten centuries' worth of French historical 'facts' bite the dust as Stephen Clarke looks at what has really been going on since 1066 ... From the Norman (not French) Conquest, to XXX, it is a light-hearted - but impeccably researched - account of all out great-fallings out. In short, the French are quite right to suspect that the last 1,000 years have been one long British campaign to infuriate them. And it's not over yet...

How the French Won Waterloo or Think They Did

Stephen Clarke has studied the French version of Waterloo, as told by battle veterans, novelists, historians – right up to today's politicians, and he has uncovered a story of pain, patriotism and sheer perversion .

How the French Won Waterloo   or Think They Did

Published in the 200th Anniversary year of the Battle of Waterloo a witty look at how the French still think they won, by Stephen Clarke, author of 1000 Years of Annoying the French and A Year in the Merde. Two centuries after the Battle of Waterloo, the French are still in denial. If Napoleon lost on 18 June 1815 (and that's a big 'if'), then whoever rules the universe got it wrong. As soon as the cannons stopped firing, French historians began re-writing history. The Duke of Wellington was beaten, they say, and then the Prussians jumped into the boxing ring, breaking all the rules of battle. In essence, the French cannot bear the idea that Napoleon, their greatest-ever national hero, was in any way a loser. Especially not against the traditional enemy – les Anglais. Stephen Clarke has studied the French version of Waterloo, as told by battle veterans, novelists, historians – right up to today's politicians, and he has uncovered a story of pain, patriotism and sheer perversion ...

A Year In The Merde

Less quaint than A Year in Provence, less chocolatey than Chocolat, A Year in the Merde will tell you how to get served by the grumpiest Parisian waiter; how to make perfect vinaigrette every time; how to make amour - not war; and how not ...

A Year In The Merde

What are the French really like? Paul West, a young Englishman arriving in Paris to start a new job, is about to find out. _________________ They do eat a lot of cheese, some of which smells like pigs’ droppings. They don’t wash their armpits with garlic soap. Going on strike really is the second national participation sport after petanque. And, yes, they do use suppositories. Less quaint than A Year in Provence, less chocolatey than Chocolat, A Year in the Merde will tell you how to get served by the grumpiest Parisian waiter; how to make perfect vinaigrette every time; how to make amour - not war; and how not to buy a house in the French countryside.

The Merde Factor

And Paul's gorgeous ex-girlfriend seems to be stalking him. Threatened with eviction, unemployment and bankrupcy, Paul realises that his personal merde factor is about to hit the fan.

The Merde Factor

Englishman Paul West is living the Parisian dream, and doing his best not to annoy the French. But recently things have been going très wrong: He's stuck in an apartment so small that he has to cut his baguettes in two to fit them in the kitchen. His research into authentic French cuisine is about to cause a national strike - and it could be all his fault. His Parisian business partner is determined to close their tea-room. And thinks that sexually harrassing his female employees is a basic human right. And Paul's gorgeous ex-girlfriend seems to be stalking him. Threatened with eviction, unemployment and bankrupcy, Paul realises that his personal merde factor is about to hit the fan...

Merde in Europe

THE POST-BREXIT EDITION - brand new chapters with extra EU chaos for Englishman Paul West.

Merde in Europe

THE POST-BREXIT EDITION - brand new chapters with extra EU chaos for Englishman Paul West. An Englishman, Paul West, goes to Brussels to work for a French MEP. There he gets an insider's view of what really goes on in the massive madhouse that is the EU Parliament. With the referendum on the horizon, things are even more hysterical than usual. When the Brexit result comes in, Paul has to make a decision. If he wants to work in Europe, should he apply for a French passport? But can an Englishman really become French? Can he sing the bloodthirsty 'Marseillaise'? Can he even pronounce the word 'Marseillaise'? And as Paul contemplates his own personal Brexit, the whole of Brussels seems to be going into meltdown ...

Annoying The French Encore

Because, for the French, the merde never ends. Yours historically, Stephen Clarke, Paris, August 2012 ‘Tremendously entertaining’ Sunday Times ‘Relentlessly and energetically rude’ Mail on Sunday

Annoying The French Encore

A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR Bonjour cher reader, Ever since European history began, we Brits have been happily engaged in our national pastime - annoying the French. And the past couple of years have shown that this annoying never stops. To give just three examples: After a mid-Atlantic collision between French and British nuclear submarines, France's Minister of Defence seemed to blame the accident on ... shrimps. When French political superstar Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested in New York, France's establishment was outraged. It soon emerged that sexual harassment was regarded as a basic human right by the country's male élite. (This theme provided so much excellent material that I decided to include it in the plot of my soon-to-be published novel, The Merde Factor.) And when David Cameron walked out of a Eurosummit, a French politician accused him of being 'like a man at a wife-swapping party who refuses to bring his own wife.' Yes, a very French image, and it just one of the many anti-Anglais insults that came flying across the Channel. You will find all this, and much more, in Annoying the French Encore! Because, for the French, the merde never ends. Yours historically, Stephen Clarke, Paris, August 2012 ‘Tremendously entertaining’ Sunday Times ‘Relentlessly and energetically rude’ Mail on Sunday

Talk to the Snail

Don't go to France without reading this book. And don't even think of buying a house there.

Talk to the Snail

Have you been taken to what you've been assured is the perfect house deep in the French countryside, only to find there's no electricity or running water? Gone to the doctor with a nasty cough, and been diagnosed with a rather more personal complaint? Walked into an half-empty restaurant, only to be told that it's complet? If the answer to any of the above is oui, Talk to the Snail is the book for you.Find out how to get served in a restaurant; the best way to deal with French hypochondria; learn the language of love, sex and suppositories (not necessarily in that order); it's all here in this funny, informative, seriously useful guide on how to get what you really want from the French. With advice on essential phrases and bons mots to cover all eventualities, and illustrated with witty real-life anecdotes, Talk to the Snail is a book that no self-respecting Francophile - or Francophobe - can afford to be without. Don't go to France without reading this book. And don't even think of buying a house there.

Dirty Bertie An English King Made in France

A quintessentially English king? Pas du tout! Stephen Clarke argues that as 'Dirty Bertie', Edward learned all the essentials in life from the French.

Dirty Bertie  An English King Made in France

The entertaining biography of Edward VII and his playboy lifestyle, by Stephen Clarke, author of 1000 Years of Annoying the French and A Year in the Merde. Despite fierce opposition from his mother, Queen Victoria, Edward VII was always passionately in love with France. He had affairs with the most famous Parisian actresses, courtesans and can-can dancers. He spoke French more elegantly than English. He was the first ever guest to climb the Eiffel Tower with Gustave Eiffel, in defiance of an official English ban on his visit. He turned his French seduction skills into the diplomatic prowess that sealed the Entente Cordiale. A quintessentially English king? Pas du tout! Stephen Clarke argues that as 'Dirty Bertie', Edward learned all the essentials in life from the French.

Merde Actually

But will Paul find l'amour éternel, or will it all end in merde? Author's apology: 'I'd just like to say sorry to all the suppository fans out there, because in this book there are no suppositories.

Merde Actually

A year after arriving in France, Englishman Paul West is still struggling with some fundamental questions: _________________ What is the best way to scare a gendarme? Why are there no health warnings on French nudist beaches? And is it really polite to sleep with your boss's mistress? In his second comedy of errors, Paul West opens an English tearoom, and mutates (temporarily) into a Parisian waiter. Meanwhile, he continues his search for the perfect French mademoiselle. But will Paul find l'amour éternel, or will it all end in merde? Author's apology: 'I'd just like to say sorry to all the suppository fans out there, because in this book there are no suppositories. There are, however, lots of courgettes, and I see this as progress. Suppositories to courgettes - I think it proves that I'm developing as a writer.' Stephen Clarke

Dial M For Merde

Paul West has just received an offer he can't refuse: _________________ Two weeks in the sun.

Dial M For Merde

Paul West has just received an offer he can't refuse: _________________ Two weeks in the sun. All expenses paid. With a beautiful blonde called Gloria Monday. But it soon becomes obvious that Gloria, or M as she likes to be known, has bigger fish to fry. Meanwhile Paul is asked to cater his best friend’s wedding. Cooking for the French is a risky assignment at the best of times, but Paul assures the bride that nothing can go wrong. Or can it? When Paul discovers that M's real target is the French president, and that he's coming to Elodie's wedding, he realises that the merde is about to hit the fan...

A Brief History of the Future

What if teleportation was really possible?

A Brief History of the Future

What if teleportation was really possible? Englishman Richie Fisher is about to find out ... Richie and his wife Clara have won a weekend in New York in a newspaper competition. While Clara is off blowing their spending money, Richie wanders aimlessly, chewing on a veggie-burger, ending up in a gift-shop where he finds himself standing in front of an instant transporter machine. It looks nothing like the open-plan teleporter on Captain Kirk's Starship Enterprise; in fact, it seems more like a glorified microwave oven. Richie places his burger inside, hits the return key on the linked-up computer - and the burger disappears. But if he can teleport a half-eaten veggie-burger, what else could you do with the machine? For criminals, the possibilities are endless. Who could catch you if you beamed drugs into nostrils a hundred miles away? And how much would illegal immigrants pay to be teleported into the rich host country of their choice? Richie buys a teleporter and takes it back to England, where the chaos begins ...

The French Revolution and What Went Wrong

But things quickly escalated until there was no turning back. The French Revolution and What Went Wrong looks at what went wrong and why France would be better off if they had kept their monarchy.

The French Revolution and What Went Wrong

An entertaining and eye-opening look at the French Revolution, by Stephen Clarke, author of 1000 Years of Annoying the French and A Year in the Merde. The French Revolution and What Went Wrong looks back at the French Revolution and how it’s surrounded in a myth. In 1789, almost no one in France wanted to oust the king, let alone guillotine him. But things quickly escalated until there was no turning back. The French Revolution and What Went Wrong looks at what went wrong and why France would be better off if they had kept their monarchy.

Paris Revealed

How to choose a hotel room where you might actually get a good night's sleep? Stephen Clarke goes behind the scenes to reveal everything Parisians know about their city - but don't want to tell you.

Paris Revealed

PARIS - one of the most visited cities in the world. BUT do you know ... Which is the most romantic spot to say 'je't'aime'? And the sexiest? Where to see fantastic art, away from all the crowds? Why Parisian men feel compelled to pee in the street? How to choose a hotel room where you might actually get a good night's sleep? Stephen Clarke goes behind the scenes to reveal everything Parisians know about their city - but don't want to tell you.

Merde Happens

His work is being sabotaged, his tour plans are in tatters, and his love life becomes a Franco-American war zone. And as Paul knows better than anyone, when you mix love and war - merde happens.

Merde Happens

Paul West is in deep financial merde. His only way out of debt is to accept a decidedly dodgy job: _________________ It involves him touring America in a Mini, while pretending to be typically British. Also in the car is Paul's French girlfriend, Alexa, and his American poet friend, Jake, whose main aim in life is to sleep with a woman from every country in the world. Preferably in the back of Paul's Mini. But as the little car battles from New York to Miami, leg-room turns out to be the least of Paul's troubles. His work is being sabotaged, his tour plans are in tatters, and his love life becomes a Franco-American war zone. And as Paul knows better than anyone, when you mix love and war - merde happens...

Merde Actually

A year after arriving in France, Englishman Paul West is still struggling with some fundamental questions.

Merde  Actually

By the bestselling author of A YEAR IN THE MERDE MORE THAN 100,000 COPIES SOLD OF A YEAR IN THE MERDE IN EUROPE! Merde is hot. Merde hot! French women may not get fat, the Euro may be soaring but that shouldn't stop you from enjoying the perils and pleasures of Parisian life found in the follow-up to the best-selling A YEAR IN THE MERDE! 11,000 copies of A YEAR IN THE MERDE have sold since last October. It's been a real word-of-mouth book and proves that poo and Paris sells - it's a wicked combination. A YEAR IN THE MERDE is a bestseller in France and the UK with sales totalling more than 100,000. It's also about to take the U.S by storm. A year after arriving in France, Englishman Paul West is still struggling with some fundamental questions: What is the best way to scare a gendarme? Why do French job applicants put sexually transmitted diseases on their CVs? Why are there no public health warnings on French nudist beaches? And how do you cope with a plague of courgettes? Paul also mutates (temporarily) into a Parisian waiter; samples the pleasures of typically French hotel-room afternoons; and, on a return visit to the UK, sees the full horror of a British office party through Parisian eyes. Meanwhile, he continues his search for the perfect French mademoiselle. But will Paul find l'amour 'ternel, or will it all end in merde? * Author's apology: "I'd just like to say sorry to all the suppository fans out there, because in this book there are no suppositories. There are, however, lots of courgettes, and I see this as progress. Suppositories to courgettes - I think it proves that I'm developing as a writer." Stephen Clarke

The Merde Factor

Englishman Paul West is living the Parisian dream, and doing his best not to annoy the French.

The Merde Factor

Englishman Paul West is living the Parisian dream, and doing his best not to annoy the French. But just recently, things have been going TRES wrong. His apartment is so small, he has to cut his baguette in two to fit it into the kitchen. His research into authentic French cuisine is about to cause a national strike. His Parisian business partner is determined to close their English tea room. And his ex-girlfriend seems to be stalking him. Threatened with eviction, unemployment and bankruptcy, Paul realises that the MERDE really is about to hit the fan...

Dial M for Merde

Englishman Paul West has just received an offer he can't refuse: two weeks in the sun, all expenses paid, with a beautiful blonde called Gloria Monday.

Dial M for Merde

Englishman Paul West has just received an offer he can't refuse: two weeks in the sun, all expenses paid, with a beautiful blonde called Gloria Monday. M, as Gloria likes to be known, is down south to report on caviar trafficking - but it soon becomes obvious that she's interested in something a lot more fishy than caviar. Meanwhile Paul's best friend Elodie is marrying a French aristocrat, and Paul is asked to do the catering. Cooking for the French is a risky assignment at the best of times, but Paul, who is starting to feel a bit like James Bond, assures her that nothing can go wrong. Or can it? As Paul is sexually harassed by an English hen party, picked on by French commandoes and arrested by excitable gendarmes, he realises that events are spiralling out of control. And when he discovers that M's real target is France's biggest fish of all - the new President - and that he's coming to Elodie's wedding, Paul knows that the merde really is about to hit the fan ...

Merde Happens

Paul West is in deep financial merde.

Merde Happens

Paul West is in deep financial merde. His only way out of debt is to accept a decidedly dodgy job that involves him touring America in a Mini, while pretending to be typically British.Also in the car is Paul s French girlfriend, Alexa, and his American

Talk to the snail

If The Answer To Any Of The Above Is Oui , Talk To The Snail Is The Book For You.Find Out How To Get Served In A Restaurant; Learn To Be Exquisitely Polite And Brutally Rude At The Same Time; Discover The Language Of Love, Sex And ...

Talk to the snail

Have You Ever Walked Into A Half-Empty Restaurant In France, Only To Be Told That It S Complet? Attempted To Say Merci Beaucoup And Accidentally Complimented Someone On Their Cute Backside? Been Taken To What You Ve Been Assured Is The Perfect House Deep In The Countryside, Only To Find There S No Electricity Or Running Water? If The Answer To Any Of The Above Is Oui , Talk To The Snail Is The Book For You.Find Out How To Get Served In A Restaurant; Learn To Be Exquisitely Polite And Brutally Rude At The Same Time; Discover The Language Of Love, Sex And Suppositories (Not Necessarily In That Order). It S All Here In This Funny, Informative, Seriously Useful Guide On How To Get What You Really Want From The French.With Advice On Essential Phrases And Bons Mots To Cover All Eventualities, And Illustrated With Witty Real-Life Anecdotes, Talk To The Snail Is A Book That No Self-Respecting Francophile Or Francophobe - Can Afford To Be Without.