Rude Bitches Make Me Tired

Rude Bitches Make Me Tired will provide answers to all your mannerly questions as Celia discusses the social conundrums of our day and age, including: Navigating the agonies of check splitting ("Who had the gorgonzola crumbles and should we ...

Rude Bitches Make Me Tired

In this always sensible and mildly profane etiquette manual for the modern age Celia Rivenbark addresses real-life quandaries ranging from how to deal with braggy playground moms to wondering if you can have sex in your aunt's bed on vacation to correctly grieving the dearly departed (hint: it doesn't include tattoos or truck decals). Rude Bitches Make Me Tired will provide answers to all your mannerly questions as Celia discusses the social conundrums of our day and age, including: Navigating the agonies of check splitting ("Who had the gorgonzola crumbles and should we really care?")The baffling aspects of airline travel (such as "Recline Monster" and other animals)The art of the visit (always leave them wanting more . . . much more)Gym and locker etiquette (hint: no one wants to talk to you while you're buck naked)Office manners ("Loud talkers, cake hawkers, and Britney Sue's unfortunate cyst")And much more! Good manners have never been so wickedly funny!

The Height of Rudeness

Don't miss the full collection in: RUDE BITCHES MAKE ME TIRED By New York Times bestselling author Celia Rivenbark III "II "II! llSlSllllli IWIOI M "I I"!

The Height of Rudeness

In this short e-original The Height of Rudeness, readers will get 5 essays - one never-before-published and 4 "sneak peeks" at the kind of manners advice Celia Rivenbark will be dishing up in her upcoming etiquette book RUDE BITCHES MAKE ME TIRED. Have you been "wait-listed" for your friend's wedding? Or, worse, have you been told, via engraved stationery, that you should "Please don't save the date"? This odious and ill-mannered trend must stop! How did it start? How should we cope with such an audacious display of asshattery? Leave it to Mama Celia to help in times like these. And a word of warning to brides-to-be? Quit showing off your engagement bling to your Facebook friends. They all expect to be invited and they're already shopping for Soda Streams.

Everything s Relative

Made me howl. Her comic timing and quirky wisdom have never been better!” —Celia Rivenbark, New York Times bestselling author of Rude Bitches Make Me Tired ...

Everything s Relative

Her two memoirs were “hilarious.”* Her first novel, Pretty Much Screwed, was “brilliant.”** Now, Jenna McCarthy returns with a novel of crazy last wishes and life-changing first steps… When their mother dies, sisters Jules, Brooke, and Lexi breathe a collective sigh of relief. Their days of being hurt and controlled by Juliana Alexander are over. It turns out, Juliana isn’t about to let a little detail like death stop her. The three estranged sisters—one control freak, one peacekeeper and one red hot mess—are shocked to discover that their mother was hiding a massive fortune, one that promises to completely transform all of their lives. But in classic Juliana fashion, there’s a catch. Three of them, to be exact. Now Jules, Brooke, and Lexi find themselves forced to rely on one another in order to become the women their mother wanted them to be. With millions of dollars on the line and as many obstacles in the way, the sisters embark on a hilarious journey of self-discovery, forgiveness, and the real meaning of wealth. READERS GUIDE INCLUDED *Jane Heller, New York Times bestselling author **Janet Evanovich, #1 New York Times bestselling author

Pretty Much Screwed

—Celia Rivenbark, New York Times bestselling author of Rude Bitches Make Me Tired “Jenna McCarthy is Lena Dunham if she had kids and shopped at Costco, ...

Pretty Much Screwed

The author of the hysterical memoirs I’ve Still Got It…I Just Can’t Remember Where I Put It and If It Was Easy, They’d Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon turns her comedic talents to fiction with a novel about picking yourself up out of the gutter when life kicks you to the curb… For Charlotte Crawford, the worst part about being dumped after twenty years of marriage is that her husband, Jack, doesn’t want another woman; he just doesn’t want her. Forty-two and clueless, Charlotte is a fish out of water in a dating pool teeming with losers. Just when she thinks she’s finally put her failed marriage behind her, it comes back to bite her in the ass...hard. Without warning, Charlotte finds herself staring down the barrel of a future she wouldn’t (she would totally) wish on her worst enemy. Engaging, fearless, and relentlessly funny, Pretty Much Screwed is a story of love, loss, friendship, forgiveness, turtledoves, taxidermy, and one hilariously ill-placed tick.

Palmettolands

There was nothing to make anybody think you were involved in the deaths of ... you having to deal with those rude sons-of-bitches by yourself makes me sick.

Palmettolands

(A. KEET)Toli Polatty lived quietly on her farm in the coastal Georgia woods, rescuing animals and writing children's stories. When women began to die near veterinary clinics, their sick pets stolen, two GBI agents were dispatched from Atlanta. Rabid Agent Tebeau suspected Toli of the murders, forcing the exhumation of her recently deceased dog. Agent Max Hameyer arrived to rein in Tebeau and became smitten with Toli. His flamboyant attentions and Toli's interest in him led longtime friend and veterinarian Sam Jackson to confront his own feelings for her. Meanwhile, the investigation presented frustrating twists, indicating a second killer. One conspirator was an estranged member of Toli's family. Competition between Max and Sam escalated, provoking an act of violence against Toli. In Atlanta disgruntled Agent Tebeau, smarting from a reprimand, felt Toli had a sinister side, a proclivity for intrigue and perverse, deadly acts. Could he be right?

Rude Behavior

I even had the president of the United States make calls for me. ... The silly sons of bitches think they can make shit taste like whipped cream.

Rude Behavior

The good-ole-boy heroes of Dan Jenkins' Semi-Tough and Life Its Ownself are back in this exuberant tale of football and other excesses. Rude Behavior finds Billy Clyde Puckett, former New York Giant football god and later television announcer, as general manager and part-owner of a new NFL team, the West Texas Tornadoes. His old drinking partner-in-crime and favorite receiver, Shake Tiller, has written a bestselling book, The Average Man's History of the World, and his nearly perfect wife, Barbara Jane, is in Hollywood, making a movie with Shake, who happens to be her old flame. Meanwhile, Billy Clyde's father-in-law, Big Ed Bookman, who is more Texas than oil and is majority owner of the Tornadoes, is trying to lure the old Giants coach, T.J. Lambert, to run his new team. And Billy Clyde has met a bartender named Kelly Sue Woodley, a wiseass beauty who works at a joint called "He Ain't Here" and causes some major marital discord. All these folks are back to take part in some serious fun, which in Jenkinsland means football, plenty of "young scotches," athletic exploits on the field and in the bedroom, a lot of riffs about the stupidity of "gubmint reg-you-layshuns," and the sublime beauty of country music. Hilarious, stubbornly retrograde, and laced with affection for everything Texas football stands for, Rude Behavior is vintage Dan Jenkins.

Housebroken

Housebroken is a rollicking new collection of essays showcasing her irreverent wit and inability to feel shame.

Housebroken

“If Laurie Notaro’s books don’t inspire pants-wetting fits of laughter, then please consult your physician, because, clearly, your funny bone is broken.”—Jen Lancaster, author of I Regret Nothing #1 New York Times bestselling author Laurie Notaro isn’t exactly a domestic goddess—unless that means she fully embraces her genetic hoarding predisposition, sneaks peeks at her husband’s daily journal, or has made a list of the people she wants on her Apocalypse Survival team (her husband’s not on it). Notaro chronicles her chronic misfortune in the domestic arts, including cooking, cleaning, and putting on Spanx while sweaty (which should technically qualify as an Olympic sport). Housebroken is a rollicking new collection of essays showcasing her irreverent wit and inability to feel shame. From defying nature in the quest to make her own Twinkies, to begging her new neighbors not to become urban livestock keepers, to teaching her eight-year-old nephew about hoboes, Notaro recounts her best efforts—and hilarious failures—in keeping a household inches away from being condemned. After all, home wasn’t built in a day. Praise for Laurie Notaro “Notaro is a scream, the freak-magnet of a girlfriend you can’t wait to meet for a drink to hear her latest story.”—The Plain Dealer “Hilarious, fabulously improper, and completely relatable, Notaro is the queen of funny.”—Celia Rivenbark, author of Rude Bitches Make Me Tired “Notaro is direct and self-deprecating, and her disastrous attempts to sew a dress and make jerky treats for her dog are relatable and funny.”—Library Journal

I ve Still Got It I Just Can t Remember Where I Put It

... witty and astute and will give you comfort in knowing that you're not the only ... New York Times bestselling author of Rude BitchesMake Me Tired “Jenna ...

I ve Still Got It   I Just Can t Remember Where I Put It

Welcome to Middle Age! Please check your functioning internal thermostat and razor-sharp memory at the door and pour yourself a nice, stiff drink... Jenna McCarthy might be forty-something, but she doesn’t feel forty-something. She certainly doesn’t look forty-something. (Actually she does, but she’s in denial so maybe don’t mention it?) And between complaining about how tired she is, trying to remember what she came in here for and wondering whether she drinks too much, she does not have time for a crisis. She has, however, had time to crack the mysterious midlife code. She’s figured out how to tame her muffin top, keep the spark in her marriage and probably not die a fiery hoarder’s death. She’s learned the trick to looking ten years younger and the secret to feeling ten times happier (and it only cost $14.99 plus shipping and handling). And she’s discovered the one thing she will need to do for the rest of ever if she’s going to continue to refuse to “dress her age.” Tackling everything from cosmetic surgery and financial panic to skinny jeans and the meaning of life, I’ve Still Got It... is a middle age manifesto filled with hilarious misadventures, humiliating confessions and occasional (hot) flashes of genius.

Bully Me to Sleep

B'B said, “Right, we beat the shit out of them bitches. ... But you don't give me the same in return, and that makes me feel ... I'm not rude like that.

Bully Me to Sleep

Bully Me to Sleep by Tyrone Neal [--------------------------------------------]

My Heart Beats for an Atlanta Boss 2

“Ummm excuse me, you can get in line just like everybody else. Your fat ass is rude. I slap bitches, pregnant and all.” I took a minute to gather myself ...

My Heart Beats for an Atlanta Boss 2


Governess

... selves what a pair of bitches women as well and the doctor was very rude ... just needed to sleep it off and it didn't make me frigid towards Sammy or ...

Governess

This is an amazing story of a strong woman who has battled drugs up until now, as even when I stopped using drugs, I've been harassed to affect me in a way, so when I told my story, they hoped I'd be off key. This is one of the three books. My first one is just the worst big stories I've been through, but there's so much more. I want to inspire as many people to tell their story. Lift the weight off your shoulders just as mine went light as soon as I told my family, who have supported me and been brilliant, especially my cousin, Lola, Thank you! And so to the public, let me be that voice for you, as you can even write to me. I care, and if I can help you, rich or poor, I don't care. Tell me, and if I can help, I will. I have abilities that can be useful, and remember, I turned my life around. You can too. Enjoy!

The Wolfman of Oz

They have bent bows against me, soured the gum leaves, ... And I am weary of heart and tired of hock and limp of paw. ... You make me want to sick up ...

The Wolfman of Oz

Y ou could say man into wolf and wolf into man got blasted into existence. You could also say the Tasmanian Aborigines and the Tasmanian Wolf got blasted out of existence. It’s called extinction and it lasts forever and, when Ihe the wolfman did the sums of early Tasmania, it all added up. This was except for one thing… the existence of the truly last Thylacine Wolf hiding out somewhere life-giving and life-preserving from the ever-hunters and the always-killers. This made it all the more urgent for Ihe to find the great beast first, in order to brace up its unique animal-kind courage before they tracked it down. They are always tracking it down. But Ihe was Man and also Wolf, as one, and he was on the scent too… that for every eye done to extinction was a human hunter’s eye and for every done-in eye tooth was a human hunter’s tooth. And for flesh, what better than human flesh? But first, there was his famous arch-enemy to hunt down and run from, both. It was bad enough when he planted his foot in the wrong place and the Army’s report about it concluding: ‘In any hairy situations, this will undoubtedly change how he gets a lot of looks’. But what would the Army know about the trauma that transmogrifies? It’s always been nits or nothing with him, anyhow. It’s just that Ihe the wolfman didn’t want to end up like the presumed last Tasmanian Wolf hanging from a rafter. That great shame.

Notes to Stephanie

Breed a bunch of bitches until you take interest? ... If you don't want me, just click the button and end this early. ... 6:08am Erik R I'm very sleepy.

Notes to Stephanie

This story is based on my recollection of real events that occurred between myself and Stephanie. It was a rather convoluted mess, but the basic gist of it, from my perspective, is that we became involved in a way we both would have rather not had to have happened as it did. She was broken-hearted and she settled on her friend-zone guy, but she wouldn't let me go. She decided that my interest in her, it had to be based on an affection and taste for her and her personality alone, and not grounded in sex. In the end, things became again as they were when they began. This is what happened, from my side of the story. It's been my intention and to her knowledge for the project to continue until January 23, 2014. However, she had me arrested for the project because she didn't want certain facts of her life revealed. HOWEVER. That gives me a malicious prosecution suit. YAY ME!

Tables Turned

Tiffany strolled up the steps of the porch and past me in the doorway. That was how she did things, with rude arrogance. She sat in my house with her ...

Tables Turned

Imagine being abused by your spouse, finding out he is a felon and then lying to him by saying you are pregnant with his child.These are obsticles Mahogany Lawson faces as she battles her health condition called Marfans Syndrome.

The Shadows of a Man

She was not against me having a relationship with a man if it would make me ... I have my friends that I sleep with occasionally and some have been women, ...

The Shadows of a Man

The Shadows of a Man is a glimpse into the mind of a troubled and damaged boy making decisions that are destined to have lasting consequences. This true story is about a boy abused and who was faced with all the haunting family issues he thought he could keep inside to channel his own demons, but the shadows in his life has exploded into a cycle of drugs crime prostitution and murder. The first part of this drama identifies with a child who is wise beyond his years a child who was put in a position in his young life to handle adult issues. Now James must confront his Shadows of an abused and tortured past and decide who and what he really is and deal with The Shadows of a Man. The Shadows are those hellacious levels of life. It changes as life rearranges. There is always hurt in the shadows as well as our unseen reflection. What we do in the Shadows come out into the light. This story is filled with bad choices, broken pieces, failures and a lot of pain. It is also filled with a major change, come back, and a freedom in life. Because there can be no after without a before. This book is based on lies, Love, hate and murder and what actually happened.

Golden Sun

“She is extremely rude.” “She was polite to me.” “I'm sure she's just trying to make you trust her. Don't. She kisses up to the higher-ranked something ...

Golden Sun

After her daring escape from the Lorvale dungeons, Laelia has been living among the Drow in the underground city Ban Houyukat, but she hasn't yet given up and doesn't plan to stay for much longer and soon begins her trek back to Anglatia with Allovera and Lyna by her side. Meanwhile, in Lorvale trouble continues to brew. The Senbeorth family moves near to the castle by order of the king, where Marianus is questioning his past decisions, Jaxith is falling apart from the guilt, and Dominicus just tries his best to hold it together. When Laelia arrives and begins the stirring of something bigger and once more finds a surprising ally, things only get worse. Loyalty will be tested. One of the dead will turn out to be alive. Laelia is coming closer than ever before to her goals, but yet more obstacles and another cruel betrayal lie in wait as Allovera finds herself having to choose between love and hope...

Running in Heels

Mum reaches over to the passenger seat to hug me, except I don't want her to ... That's going to create a great first impression with the Bensham Bitches ...

Running in Heels

Daisy Davenport has it all - stunning looks, spectacular house, seriously gorgeous boyfriend. But when her father is sent to jail for corruption, Daisy's life is shattered. Cramped into rooms above a kebab shop, she and her family have to readjust - fast. And if life isn't hard enough already, Daisy's new school is a world away from her old one. And the school bully is going to make sure she remembers it ...

Secrets About Exotic Dancing

Marijuana Girl came up and checked on me to make sure I was okay. Turned out I was o. k. and I did sleep most of it off before that bitch came up.

Secrets About Exotic Dancing

This book is about my life when I was an a exotic dancer. I used to dance for about 6 years. I have told my readers my experiences about exotic dancing and gave advice about it along with other topics. My opinion, this is a great book.

Gator

Bitch don't make me come down there cause my daddy can't save your stupid ass from this ... My mother is tired of dealing with you and that stupid bitch.

Gator

This is a story about a young girl named Roxy. This free spirited girl got caught up with a Chicago pimp named Gator who led her down a path of pure destruction. Gator pimped all and feared none. Gator was determined to make Roxy his goldmine. Gator caused havoc and may ham everywhere he went. Roxy became someone she never thought she would. Roxy found herself in fear of her life so much that she had to fight for it. Gator single handedly destroyed Roxys whole world. Roxy began to walk Gators walk and talk Gators talk. Even when Gator wasnt around he haunted Roxy every step of the way. Although Gator was in full control, Roxy was no easy target. Gator will have to put all of his pimping skills on the line to tame Roxy. Because shes one tough cookie!

Mud Run Murder

Maybe the adults were tired or something, but it seemed to me that they were making a ... The volleyball players were shouting rude insults at the teams ...

Mud Run Murder

From USA Today bestselling author, Leslie Langtry comes the next laugh-out-loud Merry Wrath Mystery... Ex-CIA Agent turned small town Girl Scout leader, Merry Wrath, thinks she has her hands full getting her troop ready for the Mud Run out at scout camp. But a trip to the movies, where she sees her whole career played out on the big screen, turns her world from little girls to great big lies. Turns out her former handler, Riley, is hiding something and the Agency is on the warpath, thinking Merry has leaked classified intel. From a bizarre organization called Coats for Cats to redecorating her guest room with bullet holes, her life is turning into a Merry-go-round of misdirection, miscreants and misdemeanors. Can she clear her name, or will the Mud Run turn into a run for her life? Merry Wrath Mysteries: Merit Badge Murder – book #1 Mint Cookie Murder – book #2 Scout Camp Mystery – short story in the "Killer Beach Reads" collection Marshmallow S'More Murder – book #3 Movie Night Murder – book #4 Mud Run Murder – book #5 Fishing Badge Murder – short story in the "Pushing Up Daisies" collection Motto for Murder – book #6 Map Skills Murder – book #7 Mean Girl Murder – book #8 Marriage Vow Murder – book #9 Mystery Night Murder – book #10 What critics are saying about Leslie Langtry's books: "I laughed so hard I cried on multiple occasions while reading MARSHMALLOW S'MORE MURDER! Girl Scouts, the CIA, and the Yakuza... what could possibly go wrong?" ~ Fresh Fiction "Darkly funny and wildly over the top, this mystery answers the burning question, 'Do assassin skills and Girl Scout merit badges mix…" ~ RT BOOKreviews "Mixing a deadly sense of humor and plenty of sexy sizzle, Leslie Langtry creates a brilliantly original, laughter-rich mix of contemporary romance and suspense." ~ Chicago Tribune