Shit My Dad Says

Shit My Dad Says

'At 28 years old, I found myself living at home, with my 73-year-old father. As a child, my father never minced words, and when I screwed up, he had a way of cutting right through the bullshit and pointing out exactly why I was being an idiot. When I moved back in I was still, for the most part, an idiot. But this time, I was smart enough to write down all the things he said to me...' Meet Justin Halpern and his dad. Almost 1.5 million people follow Mr Halpern’s philosophical musings every day on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his sayings. What emerges is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father and son relationship from a major new comic voice. As Justin says at one point, his dad is ‘like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair’; and this is the sort of shit he says... ‘You know, sometimes it’s nice having you around. But now ain’t one of those times. Now gimmie the remote, we’re not watching this bullshit.’ ‘Happy Birthday, I didn’t get you a present... Oh, mom got you one? Well, that’s from me then, too – unless it’s shitty.’ ‘Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn’t stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down.’ ‘The worst thing you can be is a liar . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2.’ ‘Why the f**k would I want to live to 100? I’m 73 and shit’s starting to get boring. By the way, there’s no money left when I go, just fyi.’

Shit My Dad Says

Shit My Dad Says

'At 28 years old, I found myself living at home, with my 73-year-old father. As a child, my father never minced words, and when I screwed up, he had a way of cutting right through the bullshit and pointing out exactly why I was being an idiot. When I moved back in I was still, for the most part, an idiot. But this time, I was smart enough to write down all the things he said to me…' Meet Justin Halpern and his dad. Almost one million people follow Mr Halpern’s philosophical musings every day on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his sayings. What emerges is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father and son relationship from a major new comic voice. As Justin says at one point, his dad is ‘like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair’; and this is the sort of shit he says… ‘You know, sometimes it’s nice having you around. But now ain’t one of those times. Now gimmie the remote, we’re not watching this bullshit.’ ‘Happy Birthday, I didn’t get you a present… Oh, mom got you one? Well, that’s from me then, too – unless it’s shitty.’ ‘Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn’t stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down.’ ‘The worst thing you can be is a liar . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2.’ ‘Why the f**k would I want to live to 100? I’m 73 and shit’s starting to get boring. By the way, there’s no money left when I go, just fyi.’

More Shit My Dad Says

More Shit My Dad Says

‘Human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello. Then it ain't the unknown anymore and it ain't scary. Or I guess it could be a sh*tload scarier’ Sam Halpern Soon after Sh*t My Dad Says began to take off, comic writer Justin Halpern decided to take the plunge and propose to his then girlfriend. But before doing so, he asked his dad's advice, which was very, very simple (and surprisingly clean): 'Just take a day to think about it.' This book is the story of that trip down memory lane, a toe-curlingly honest pilgrim’s progress of teenage relationships, sex and love by one of the funniest writers at work today. Sh*t people say about Justin Halpern: ‘Ridiculously hilarious’ Chelsea Handler ‘Shoot-beer-out-your-nose funny’ Maxim ‘Funny, silly, honest, lively and fresh’ Sunday Times

Sh*t My Dad Says

Sh*t My Dad Says

“This book is ridiculously hilarious, and makes my father look like a normal member of society.” —Chelsea Handler “Read this unless you’re allergic to laughing.” —Kristen Bell “If you’re wondering if there is a real man behind the quotes on Twitter, the answer is a definite and laugh-out-loud yes.” —Christian Lander, New York Times bestselling author of Stuff White People Like Tuesdays with Morrie meets F My Life in this hilarious book about a son’s relationship with his foul-mouthed father by the 29-year-old comedy writer who created the massively popular Twitter feed of the same name.

Funny Shit My Dad Says

Ruled 6x9 Inch 120 Pages Funny Notebook Sarcastic Humor Journal, Perfect Motivational Gag Gift for Graduation, for Adults, for Entrepeneur, for Women, for Men

Funny Shit My Dad Says

Our notebook journals feature carefully designed artwork with an anti-scuff laminate cover. There is plenty of room inside for writing notes, stories, thoughts and ideas. It can be used as a notebook, journal, diary, or composition book. This 6" x 9" inch letter size paperback notebook 120 wide ruled pages (60 sheets).The high quality paper means minimal show-through even when you use different types of ink. They are a perfect gift idea for adults, kids, girls, boys, teens and tweens who love writing and journaling. Blank Notebooks Are ideal For: Graduation & End of School Year Gifts Stocking Stuffers & Gift Baskets Teacher Gifts Art Classes School Projects Diaries Gifts For Writers Summer Travel

Billion-Dollar Branding

Brand Your Small Business Like a Big Business and Make Great Things Happen

Billion-Dollar Branding

Two advertising veterans explain the myths about branding—and how even the smallest businesses can benefit by defining themselves to their customers. Branding may be the single most misunderstood concept in marketing. It’s not only for big businesses with big bucks. It’s not about a logo, a color, a font, or a type of advertising. Branding is defining a company’s image in such a way that the customer is left with a single feeling about that business and what they do. Branding is about finding a business’s juicy center. Even small businesses on shoestring budgets and sole practitioners can learn the principles of good branding—an effort that encompasses not just messaging, but multiple day-to-day decisions that shape and build your customers’ perceptions and emotions. With numerous real-life examples and the expertise that comes only from experience, this book guides you to a new way of thinking about your business, and the kind of wisdom that no amount of money can buy.

I Suck at Girls (Enhanced Edition)

I Suck at Girls (Enhanced Edition)

In I Suck at Girls, the enhanced e-book edition, Justin's famously opinionated father goes on camera for the first time, offering life advice on topics from marriage to profanity and debating the appeal of pornography in seven exclusive videos. Justin's father also tells his version of raising Justin with an essay written in prose as hilarious and poignant as his son's. In addition the enhanced e-book features nine exclusive photos from Justin's childhood. "Human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello. Then it ain't the unknown anymore and it ain't scary. Or I guess it could be a shitload scarier." Fans of the #1 bestseller Sh*t My Dad Says will recognize the always-patient voice of Justin Halpern's dad as it crackles through the pages of this hysterical new book. The story begins when Justin takes his dad out to lunch to announce that he's decided to propose to his girlfriend. "You've been dating her for four years," his dad replies. "It ain't like you found a parallel fucking universe." But eventually he gives Justin some advice: that he should take a day off and think back over everything he's learned in life about women, relationships, and himself before making his decision. And that's just what Justin does—revisiting everything from his disastrous childhood crushes to the night he finally lost his virginity while working as a dishwasher at Hooters. I Suck at Girls is full of his dad's patented brand of wisdom. But it's also full of new characters just as funny as his dad—from his brother, who provides insights into wedding night rituals ("You stand in one corner of the room, and she stands in the other. You each take off one piece of clothing at a time") to his first boss, who warns Justin to man up: "That's what a man does. He takes his shots and then he scrubs the shit out of some dishes." The result is a pilgrim's progress through the landscape of sex and love—by one of the funniest writers at work today. Please note that due to the large file size of these special features this enhanced e-book may take longer to download then a standard e-book.

The Case of Billy B

The Case of Billy B

A young boy and his father encounter immense challenges as they struggle to find love and acceptance in an unforgiving world. Abandoned by his own mother, rejected by all but his loving father, Billy B is thrust into a silent hell alone, branded a freak and a misfit. Billy becomes the ultimate life spectator in a game of survival. Who can he count on to save him, when all seems lost?

A Shit Storm

Runaway Rock Star

A Shit Storm

I’m Tristan Loren aka J.J. aka son of Jackal’s Jack Storm and I have two problems right now—don’t laugh. College is about to begin, and I don’t want to go. Also, I’ve somehow graduated high school a virgin. Tristan Loren is the first to admit he’s lived a privileged life. However, the top schools, the best games and phones and cars, the finest of whatever his heart desired has come with strangers yelling for his attention and camera flashes in his face. Even when his father retires the rock star life and moves the family from L.A., their lives are rarely incognito. His classmates have visions of college life in the fall following senior year, while his fantasy is a normal existence. Whatever normalcy is, he’s sure it’s not graduating with honors--and his virginity. Aside from having a paranoid mom who has made it her mission to see that he’s never alone with a girl, he wants his first time to be with someone who doesn’t know him as Jack Storm-of-the-multi-platinum-Jackal Junior. Chasing the vision of a woman and a world who doesn’t know of him takes him from the sunshiny suburbs of Dallas to the snowy streets of Detroit. Getting his V card swiped and finding his own identity comes with an entirely different price tag. A Shit Storm can stand alone but for fans of Six Silver Strings Series, this novel is the first in the E-String Set and includes scenes with characters from G-Strings and D-Strings with several appearances of Jack and Marissa Storm.

Playground

Playground

Thirteen-year-old Butterball doesn't have much going for him. He's teased mercilessly about his weight. He hates the Long Island suburb his mom moved them to and wishes he still lived with his dad in the city. And now he's stuck talking to a totally out-of-touch therapist named Liz. Liz tries to uncover what happened that day on the playground - a day that landed one kid in the hospital and Butterball in detention. Butterball refuses to let her in on the truth, and while he evades her questions, he takes readers on a journey through the moments that made him into the playground bully he is today. This devastating yet ultimately redemptive story is told in voice-driven prose and accented with drawings and photographs, making it a natural successor to The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian. Loosely inspired by 50 Cent's own adolescence, and written with his fourteen-year-old son in mind, Playground is sure to captivate wide attention - and spark intense discussion.